Mary and Anne are two mothers who share an ex-partner and are now close friends, bonded by troubled encounters with Colorado's parental evaluation system and what they say is their mutual ex's manipulation.
Anne was with him when Mary went through a custody evaluation for her now 12-year-old son in 2016.
Mary said a child and family investigator report in her case led to her ex-partner — the two were not married — having more parenting time granted despite a documented history of abusing his partners and her concerns about neglectful treatment of their son.
The psychologist appointed in Mary’s case as a CFI, Sharon Feder -- who at that point had received more than 100 appointments -- painted a glowing picture of her ex as a father that barely skimmed over his history of domestic abuse and Mary’s concerns that he was negligent of their son's health and safety.
Mary went through a process of having a custody evaluation done by a psychotherapist in 2016. She has said the mental health professional who performed the evaluation did not document a history of abuse by her ex-partner, with whom she shares a 12-year-old son. Mary, using a pseudonym at her request, stands for a portrait in her home on Friday, August 5, 2022, in Denver, Colo. (Timothy Hurst/The Denver Gazette)
“I think the awful part of it was knowing that (report) solidified his dad getting overnights reinstated and that it was on false terms, more or less, and knowing that he's going to be put into a potentially dangerous situation with his dad,” Mary said.
Feder has not responded to messages sent to an email and phone number listed on her website. She focused in her report on how well it appeared the dad and son played together during the few hours she observed them.
The court had taken away his overnights in 2012 with the requirement he complete domestic violence, parenting and alcohol classes to get them reinstated. Feder wrote several times she thought the father had turned his life around and said his having more parenting time would be in the son’s best interests.
But Mary doesn't know whether her ex-partner completed the required classes because she's never seen any proof, she said, and it appears Feder took his word that he had. And it wasn't apparent whether the evaluator ran a background check on him, which would have turned up a pattern of psychological, sexual and other physical abuse of his partners.
He choked and sexually assaulted Mary, among other physical abuse throughout their relationship, according to what she told her parental responsibility evaluator in 2011 and testimony she gave in Anne’s divorce case recently. An arrest affidavit from 2014 says he choked a third woman until she passed out when she refused sex. A felony assault charge for that incident was reduced to a misdemeanor, and he received a year of probation.
And he has sexually assaulted Anne and choked her, and in one instance only stopped when one of their children walked in, according to her application for a protection order in 2020.
“People who are supposed to be watching out for my young child are not, and in fact, they're doing quite the opposite, putting them in the hands of this dangerous perpetrator that pulled the wool over (the CFI's) eyes,” Mary said.
“And she didn't do any due diligence to look into it to see otherwise, which would have taken her literally $5.00 and five minutes for a (background check through) CBI.”
“(My son) loves his dad. I don’t argue with that. But at the same time, he's not a changed man.”
According to records from Colorado's judicial branch, the state removed Feder from its list of eligible child and family investigators based on a founded complaint in 2018 for violating the state’s practice standards for CFIs of professionalism and requirement to prepare a “clear, concise and timely report. But she has continued to practice as a family reunification therapist.
Anne said a mistaken statement made by the child and family investigator in her case led to Child Protective Services deciding not to continue an investigation into marks on Anne’s youngest child’s neck that showed up after a weekend he spent with his father, for which Anne said her ex-husband has offered different explanations.
She said the Centennial counselor appointed in her case, Lon Kopit, told the agency he believed Anne had histrionic personality disorder, when in fact he actually suspected her ex-husband had the condition.
Anne said Kopit’s mistake of telling CPS the wrong parent had histrionic personality disorder led to the agency finding the case unfounded because of their reliance on Kopit to communicate concerns about the parents. Kopit admitted his misstatement in a court hearing, she said, but besides that didn’t contact CPS or take any other steps to correct it.
“By then the damage was done,” she said.
“I will never be convinced that he didn’t do something to shut (our son) up,” Anne said, referring to her ex-husband’s pattern of abuse by choking when he gets angry. Her eyes grow shiny and tears begin to slip out. “I mean, this kid changed a lot after that.
“There was no consequence, not to Lon Kopit, not to (my ex-husband), not to anybody.”
Kopit declined to comment for this story.
In a hearing earlier this year, the judge in Anne’s case chose to keep their parenting time schedule at the time in place. Anne has more than 60% parenting time and sole decision-making authority for major decisions until her ex-husband completes a required domestic violence evaluation and recommended classes.
Mary chose not to pursue a protection order against her ex when they broke up for good around a decade ago. She followed the advice of her lawyer at the time, who she said told her getting a protection order wouldn’t be worth the cost and her ex probably wouldn’t respect it anyway. She now regrets the decision, saying victims of abuse without concrete proof face doubts.
“If you didn't get a restraining order, it wasn't that bad. Or if he wasn't arrested, then it didn't happen,” Mary said. “And there's so many nuances in that; why people don't get restraining orders and why people don't report things, that that’s not the case.”
Christine Garcia, the co-owner of Children’s Wellness Center of Colorado, said she believes the issue has a lot to do with society’s tendency to not believe victims of abuse. And she’s seen professionals accuse victims of controlling behavior when they set boundaries with an abuser, painting them as inflexible and unwilling to co-parent.
“When you bend on your boundary just a tiny bit, then they start to really take advantage of that and perceive that as weakness and continue to ask for more and more,” Garcia said. “Before you know it, there is no parenting plan. It's based on when they want to see the kids and you comply.”
*Names have been changed at their request and because of the sensitivity of the matters involved.